I've mentioned about this before, but no one commented about it. So now-

JOIN THE SOAD ARMY OR WE WILL DESTROY YOU!

(for God's sake do it, two of our members were deleted...)

Well-

If memory serves me right, you wanted a news post about you six weeks ago.

Well, here you go!

...

Also, I might as well promote a shitty, under construction website I made...

And finally, a random image!

(yes, I am very bored right now...)

Yesterday was my first day of school for the year; September 5th. I'm a junior this year, which is the best grade; girls are beginning to fuck guys now without much coaxing or manipulation, and I'm not being considered a douche for my being a certain age or grade. I live in a city, so the school I go to is close by. I can walk to it, which is what I did after waking up ten minutes before the terrible school bell rang, beginning another day of torture through eight hours of work (see, it's unwritten rule that all userpage stories have to start out nonfiction).

I decided to take this shortcut I had found toward the end of last year. It was through this alley half a block from my apartment, and it cut down the time to get to school easily by ten minutes, making my tardiness not seem so bad. As I sprinted through the alley with my backpack bouncing awkwardly against my back, I tripped over a hard, metal object and- MY FUCKING FOOT GOT CUT OFF! I rolled around screaming for a few minutes.

After getting up (with some difficulty), I looked behind me to see what I had tripped over, and there it was; a sword that seemed to glow like the sun. I forgot all about my (former) foot, about school, about this cute girl I had feeling liked me, about everything that didn't have to do with the sword. I picked it up. Although upon inspection it seemed large and way too heavy, it was lighter than one of the notebooks I had in my backpack. It was about 3 feet long and had a gold-colored gem near the hilt, which was blue. Also, along the length of the sword read an inscription saying something in Latin, or something. I didn't bother to figure it out, since I'm not an expert in any language, even English. How was I supposed to know what "Tu eres estúpido" meant?

I decided to test it out. Seeing as it seemed to hold some mystical power, I tried it on the dumpster it was laying next to- and it shattered into a million pieces. Then I realized I used the wrong sword. The REAL sword cut right through the dumpster, and it disappeared. I smiled maliciously and limped to school.

When I got school (after I bought a prosthetic foot), I had already made a plan. I wasn't the most popular kid in school, and I wasn't from an early age. Luckily, I was still in school with most of the kids who teased me from first grade and on. Revenge is a dish best served with magical weaponry. After all, I remembered what my parents had told me if I ever found a sword- kill anyone that made fun of me. Come to think of it, the fact that they died when a fox got loose at the zoo was the real reason I was doing this. And I cry myself to sleep too...

My first target was George Netsham; a loser who should have dropped out years ago and picked on everyone smaller than his 190 pound body. He had his back turned, so he didn't know what hit him. But just as I was about to run the sword through him, it turned out that it wasn't George! It was Seung-Hui Cho, and he fired several shots into me, knocking me into a classroom. And as luck would have it, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were inside and they set me on fire with Molotov cocktail. I quickly ran to a nearby bathroom screaming "OMGWTFBBQ," and I managed to put flames out. Unfortunately, it was the girl's bathroom and they beat my ass to Kingdom Come.

The next day, I went on a much more successful rampage. I managed to kill people who were critical of a story my friend wrote, some slut who thought my name was Steve (up to the point where I believed it), a magician who could make his genitals disintegrate, and an attorney who told me to blame my spree on video games.

For some strange reason I thought no one called the cops. Of course two police cars showed up. The cops in the first car were the first to get out. The first cop yelled, "This is the mother fucking po-po!" and the second announced, "We're the good guys, r-tard. Drop the sword or we'll fuck you up!"

They were pointing their guns at me, but they didn't fire. I raised the sword and then the first cop fired, knocking it out of my hand. The other cop quickly pulled out a taser. I yelled, "Don't tase me bro!" but it was too late. I got shocked, and they were about arrest me, when I got an idea. I shouted, "Look! It's a van full of black guys!" They turned around and I quickly grabbed the sword and decapitated them both.

The other cop car went right at me, intent on turning me into roadkill. Though it succeeded in smacking right into me, I managed to slice off one of the tires. The car quickly went of control and crashed into a gas station. The results- were disastrous.

Before long, I became public enemy number 1. I was 20 miles from the city and I need to rest. Though everything the sword cut seemed to vanish, my foot- or should I stump- was fine. Weird...

Though one would think no one would find me, Rachel, the cute junior who liked me did. Of course, I had no idea it was her and I almost cut her in half, hitting a tree instead.

"Damn it Rachel! You're going to get killed for sneaking up on people!"
"Do you know why I'm here, Steve?
"First of all, my name is Nathan. And secondly, I don't,
"Isn't obvious? Sex!"
"Yay sex!"

We then got into a completely overdone and excessively detailed sex scene, because TheThing is a dirty, dirty boy. But alas, a bunch of cops showed up and blew Rachel away. I quickly grabbed my clothes and the sword and got the fuck out of there. Meanwhile, I saw one of the cops take of his pants and say, "I don't care if it's against the law! I need to get laid tonight!"

By this point, the army showed up, and I dispatched them old style (yes, I know that doesn't make any sense)!

I went over to the armored Hummer used to transport the soldiers to the forest and radioed in "No sign of the bastard. We're coming in. Hopefully we'll find him. I just think we don't have enough man power right now to find him."

I heard a bunch of orgasmic noises, and the woman on the other side replied "Uhh, sorry about that. We'll send out more me-" when I suddenly heard a crash, screams, and voice that said "Coming soon to you." What the fuck...

Arriving at the army base, I quickly sped up the Hummer, and drove it right into a fuel tank, jumping out at the last second, being the badass hero I am. Too bad I suck at it, because the explosion knocked me into a tree. I got up and was about to kill anyone not on fire, when a figure jumped in front of me. It was a man, who looked to be about 24.

"Who are you?" I asked.
"My name is Chris," the man replied. "And," he said as drew out his own sword, "I'm your pimp!"

I realized that Chris was the person I had heard on the radio, prior. He swung his sword, and I blocked. Though he was using a different sword, he somehow was able to block my own attacks. I was so surprised that he was on the same level as me; I accidentally let him knock the sword out of my hands. I then started to spin around on the floor. As Chris tried to figure out why the fuck I was doing that, I took this opportunity to grab the sword, only for him to stab me in the spleen.

But before he could deliver the final blow, several soldiers found us and started firing their weapons. While Chris made like a hockey stick and got the puck out of there (pussy) I was ready to start killing them again. But just as I charged them, an explosion rippled across my back.

As I was on the ground, I felt a burning sensation; I looked back and saw my fake foot fall off! My legs were dissolving! And so were my hands! And my genitals! Like Tetsuo: The Iron Man showed, no body part is safe from harm. The last part of me to dissolve was my brain; to make sure I went through as much pain as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if people got pissed if I didn't get punished enough.

Here's Chris' sword. If you haven't figured out who Chris is by now, (A you haven't been on Newgrounds very long, or (B you're a fucking moron.

For those of you who haven't noticed by now, I update my news post every Monday.

Also, every 10th news post (starting today) will be an index of my past nine posts.

On a final note, has anyone noticed that the majority of my posts have 18 comments?

1. Mod Killer
2. This won't end well.
3. It's Not Okay
4. Angry Rant
5. To set the record straight.
6. Fuck tha Mods
7. I get bored...
8. SPAM POST!
9. Why are you here?

Go here.

Blech. I hate the stuff.

Two ironic facts about me:

I have green eyes (okay, technically they're hazel).
I have a bald uncle named Ron.

JOIN THE SOAD ARMY!

Everyone else is doing it so:

Users who suck:

bigbadron- He's made fun of people smarter than him, uses his news posts to taunt unknown users, and won't admit if he's wrong. At least he can make fun of himself.

Fickin- More on him later...

Dsmano- He made a "review" of the new iMac, filled it with lowbrow and unnecessary comments, and then started making fanboyish comments. He also included an ad for the previous model for reasons I can not figure out. We got into a PM debate and he got pwned and stopped responding.

Over-Load- As Fyndir put it: "He's a complete wankhat, trying to pretend he doesn't care then deleting people's comments while he cries."

pspmad- Got offended by people saying "fuck." Fucking pussy.

Gein- Sent annoying PMs to be me. I tried to block him, but the admins didn't get that ability ready when the redesign launched.

MrLeone- An idiot spammer. And probably a joke account.

Orange-Jews- Posted "fuck you" in people's profiles. Well, fuck you!

homer42- Another dumbass spammer.

And one last thing-

VOTE FOR THIS GUY!

Right about now RWA court is in full effect.
Judge Infinite-one presiding in the case of RWA versus the Newgrounds moderators.
Prosecuting attourneys are EvilerBowser1001, greensucksbluerules, and Black-Ops.
Order order order. greensucksbluerules, take the muthafuckin stand.
Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth
and nothin but the truth so help your ass?

You're goddamn right!

Why don't you tell everybody what the fuck you gotta say?

Fuck tha mods
Written in stone
Young regular got it bad because I'm not known
And not the other type so mods think
They have the authority to taunt majorities

Fuck that shit, cuz I ain't tha prick
For a punk muthafucka with a banstick
To be flaming on, and then get banned
We could go toe to toe and you'll get slammed

Fuckin with me cuz I'm a teenager
With their gold auras and a pager
Looking at my post, checking out my links
Thinkin every regular is linking to stupid shit

You'd rather see me banned
Then me tricking people to click
Beat tha mods every day
And when I'm finished, the buttons will be gray
To close off their humiliation
To some it will feel like castration

bluerules will swarm
On any muthafucka in a yellow uniform
I'm not from the CPT, but punk mods are afraid of me
A young regular on a warpath
And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath
Of mods, getting flamed on NG all day
Yo Infinite-one, I got somethin to say

Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods

Example of scene one:
Stop your goddamn ass right now.
Ah shit, why the fuck you going after me?
Cuz I feel like it. Just shut the fuck up.
Man, fuck this shit.
Alright smartass, I'm banning your ass.

EvilerBowser1001, will you please give your testimony to the jury about this fucked up incident.

Fuck tha mods and Bowser said it with authority
Because the regulars on the street is a majority.
A group, is with whoever I'm stepping
And the motherfuckin' weapon
Is kept in a stash box, for the so-called law
Wishin' Bowser was a regular that they never saw

Mods start coming on my thread
But they're scared of a regular so they'll use empty threats
But that shit don't work, I just laugh
Because it gives em a hint not to step in my path

To the mods I'm sayin fuck you punk
Readin the rules and shit, it's all junk
Pullin out a silly stick, so you stand
With a fake assed aura and the ability to ban

But get rid off that ability so you can see what's up
And we'll go at it punk, I'ma fuck you up

Make ya think I'm a kick your ass
But drop that crap, and Bowser's gonna blast
I'm sneaky as fuck when it comes to crime
But I'm a erase em now, and not next time

Delete any muthafucka that sweats me
Or any assho that threatens me
I'm a hacker with lots of tech
Takin out a mod or two, they can't cope with me

Takin out the mods would make my day
But a regular like Bowser don't give a fuck to say

Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods

Yo Black-Ops, why don't you step up to the stand and tell the jury how you feel about this bullshit.

I'm tired of the muthafuckin jackin
Sweatin my club while I'm chillin in the shackin
Getting in my face, and for what
Maybe it's because I kick so much butt

I kick ass, or maybe cuz I flame
On a stupid assed user that's acting strange
And that's a-okay
Cuz the mods always got somethin stupid to say

They put up my picture with silence
Cuz my identity by itself causes violence
The Ops with the criminal behavior
Yeah, I'm a soldier, but still I got flavor

Without a banstick what do ya got?
A sucka that's just waitin to get brought,
Down by me, or another regular.
And with a hacker it don't matter if he's smarter or bigger

And as you all know, Ops' here to rule
Whenever I'm browsing, keep lookin at the list
And there's no cue, yo, so I can hear a
Dumb muthafucka that can ban

And if I'm browsing at the general, he'll be tha one
That I'll embarrass, and then get away
And while I'm leave off laughin
This is what I'll say

Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods

The verdict.
The jury has found you guilty of bein a redneck, whitebread, chickenshit muthafucka.
Wait, that's a lie. That's a goddamn lie.
Get him out of here.
I want justice! I want justice!
Get him the fuck out of here.
Fuck you muthafucka!

Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods
Fuck the mods

My name is a reference to StickDeath.com.

And only one person (Black-Ops) figured that out.